back?

stopped fleeing ...
yes ... i'm back

fleeing me ...

i had ...

before I had met you I had no idea I was alone …
before I had met you I had no idea I wanted more …

but … now I know perfectly what I want ...

and it’s not you ...

G.O.

Game Over ...

your hand

I felt your hand guiding me trough the forest ….

It’s

It’s not that you made me cry (cause you didn’t) ...
It’s that you didn’t dried them away ...

it's not that you broke my heart (cause you didn't) ...
it's just that you didn't mend it ...

and in that way ... you did

my little revelation

Thank you MadGayHousewife (and beautiful Jamie) for writing …

I’m going to “share” something now…

I was describing the times before, what i called, “year zero” in my life. Well, the big “earthquake” as happened, but there are still some aftershocks. It’s not like everything is different now, life is the same but I deal with it very differently, that for me was the answer … my little revelation … that came out from all of that.´

My take on it, it’s, my body said: “I’m fed up with you not dealing with your stuff and dragging it around, so I’m forcing you to deal with it now, I had it!.” And my body ceased to function, it was like that, i was no longer able to, I couldn’t do basic stuff, nothing at all, you saw my list.

I’ve trained myself to think “when a door closes, a window opens somewhere” or “this is not a problem, this is an opportunity” and its amazing how much fun sometimes I have, little surprising things, I just keep on looking, adding experiences and knowledge to what I know. But it took “willpower”, it didn’t come easy, it was a choice …

There’s a catch! (as I see it …) I have to be aware of the choices i make and stop blaming whatever, also accept that I’m human, I’ll make mistakes. Over and over again, apparently it’s how I learn.

I’m only responsible for myself, in the sense, that I only control my actions, the world is free, and “being fair” has nothing to do with it. It’s always were you’re at in life, my path is what allows me to se or not what is around, and that, enables me to get hurt or hurt someone else. Yes we have all hurt someone, at some point in our lives, haven’t we?

I keep on flowing trough life and not trying to bend obstacles but to go around them or work with them. There is a very practical result in seeing things in a poetical way, assuming things happen for a reason, so you “make up some positive reason” and surprisingly it takes you somewhere you never though. You just keep on trying and before you realize, yes there is “heaven and hell” here on earth and I can chose …

Could you say that I live in a delusional world? Well, at least I live in a delusion that is positive rather then a pessimist one. If we were to argue that there is something called reality (ehehe), it could be said that, cause I’m happier I’m “able to perform” in all levels of my life and get so much out of that it effectively changes my reality to much better, so it’s quite the practical illusion.

It’s not as simple or straightforward but it does wonders me every time it happens again … Of course I still hurt and get sad (and life hurts so much sometimes) but another “trick” that I learned was to put things in perspective, also works and it allows me to keep an open heart. It hurts and bleeds but I’m able to keep wounds to minimal and heal them much faster, and why is that a choice? Because I rather feel than not at all.

It took me like a year of depression to “unlearn” my old behaviour, find another one that worked better for me, and learn it. It was an intense year of self-knowledge, awareness and personal research.

I’m truer to myself, I scare the shit out of people that don’t know how to deal with all of me (cause it’s not usual to be so open or relaxed or honest – don’t confuse honesty with blabbing and saying mean things to people – it’s just a honest open heart).

If I could go back in time, I would try to learn my “lesson” sooner, although the depression was the best thing that happened in my life, it was the hardest thing ever and the most excruciating pain and anguish I have ever felt.

But … I’m still here … packed with my perspective and different ways to deal with things. Sometimes I think that I’m not going to make it and then I do … again … over and over again … so … I guess it’s worth keeping that open heart after all …

Tagged

Jamie here's my depressed list to you:

- sleep a lot
- watch tv a lot (trying to keep numb)
- stare a the ceiling
- eat a lot
- leave all the boxes for the take-away piling around (I can’t cook when I’m depressed)
- don’t leave the house for 2 weeks
- or: don’t change clothes for that long or don’t wear none at all
- hung around wrapped in a sheet
- don’t bathe but keep putting deodorant (otherwise I wouldn’t stand myself) even if not wearing nothing at all
- don’t answer the phone or the door
- dark is good, light is bad, no windows open, just at night for cold air
- listen to music really but really loud all day
- search weird kinky stuff online, read about it and everything else
- have the weirdest ideas for design stuff but forget to write them down
- avoid everyone; give excuses to people so I don’t have to leave the house or to avoid someone showing up
- unable to cry, so I try to convince myself to cry (it could help me blablabla), but still unable to
- don’t do nothing at all
- hypothesize to how I got this way
- hypothesize how to avoid it
- write whatever stupid stuff I convince myself to and proudly title them "my conclusions"
- and then leave the house

is it?

i’m all troubled soul in a swirl of joy or pain ...
or lust ...

little boxes

I would love to be able to put my joy in little boxes and give it to you as a gift …

Since I can’t ... just drink it straight from me …

blank canvas

my heart was left blank,
the writings were undone,
the ends tied,
.


you do not dwell here anymore ...

One More Time

That story, you know, about the world being round, is as old as your soul ...
Actually, the world became round because of you ...
Because ... we would always have to meet ...
One more time ...
Over and over again ...

into the point of

The numbness, in my cells, is starting to fade ...
And the lead running in my veins is slowly converting back to blood ...

(I’m able to get up now)

the light seems a little too bright ...
but it is of a beautiful orange yellow ...

it floods me ...

to the point of warmth ...

into the point of pleasure ...