Thank you MadGayHousewife (and beautiful Jamie) for writing …
I’m going to “share” something now…
I was describing the times before, what i called, “year zero” in my life. Well, the big “earthquake” as happened, but there are still some aftershocks. It’s not like everything is different now, life is the same but I deal with it very differently, that for me was the answer … my little revelation … that came out from all of that.´
My take on it, it’s, my body said: “I’m fed up with you not dealing with your stuff and dragging it around, so I’m forcing you to deal with it now, I had it!.” And my body ceased to function, it was like that, i was no longer able to, I couldn’t do basic stuff, nothing at all, you saw my list.
I’ve trained myself to think “when a door closes, a window opens somewhere” or “this is not a problem, this is an opportunity” and its amazing how much fun sometimes I have, little surprising things, I just keep on looking, adding experiences and knowledge to what I know. But it took “willpower”, it didn’t come easy, it was a choice …
There’s a catch! (as I see it …) I have to be aware of the choices i make and stop blaming whatever, also accept that I’m human, I’ll make mistakes. Over and over again, apparently it’s how I learn.
I’m only responsible for myself, in the sense, that I only control my actions, the world is free, and “being fair” has nothing to do with it. It’s always were you’re at in life, my path is what allows me to se or not what is around, and that, enables me to get hurt or hurt someone else. Yes we have all hurt someone, at some point in our lives, haven’t we?
I keep on flowing trough life and not trying to bend obstacles but to go around them or work with them. There is a very practical result in seeing things in a poetical way, assuming things happen for a reason, so you “make up some positive reason” and surprisingly it takes you somewhere you never though. You just keep on trying and before you realize, yes there is “heaven and hell” here on earth and I can chose …
Could you say that I live in a delusional world? Well, at least I live in a delusion that is positive rather then a pessimist one. If we were to argue that there is something called reality (ehehe), it could be said that, cause I’m happier I’m “able to perform” in all levels of my life and get so much out of that it effectively changes my reality to much better, so it’s quite the practical illusion.
It’s not as simple or straightforward but it does wonders me every time it happens again … Of course I still hurt and get sad (and life hurts so much sometimes) but another “trick” that I learned was to put things in perspective, also works and it allows me to keep an open heart. It hurts and bleeds but I’m able to keep wounds to minimal and heal them much faster, and why is that a choice? Because I rather feel than not at all.
It took me like a year of depression to “unlearn” my old behaviour, find another one that worked better for me, and learn it. It was an intense year of self-knowledge, awareness and personal research.
I’m truer to myself, I scare the shit out of people that don’t know how to deal with all of me (cause it’s not usual to be so open or relaxed or honest – don’t confuse honesty with blabbing and saying mean things to people – it’s just a honest open heart).
If I could go back in time, I would try to learn my “lesson” sooner, although the depression was the best thing that happened in my life, it was the hardest thing ever and the most excruciating pain and anguish I have ever felt.
But … I’m still here … packed with my perspective and different ways to deal with things. Sometimes I think that I’m not going to make it and then I do … again … over and over again … so … I guess it’s worth keeping that open heart after all …
